The weekend is here, and Christmas is just around
the corner! Let’s celebrate with a music review, shall we?
Disc 1327 is… The Heavy Metal Soundtrack
Artist:
Various artists
Year of Release: 1981
What’s up with the
Cover?
That, my friends, is a Tarakian. No, not the giant lizard with wings, the
woman. What is a Tarakian you ask? Basically, she’s part of an ancient race of warrior
women who guard the universe from evil green balls of hate. Kind of a cross
between Wonder Woman and Red Sonja.
How I Came to Know
It: The movie “Heavy Metal”
came out in 1981. It was rated R and I was only 10 or 11. More importantly back
then the theatres actually enforced R ratings and you needed an adult with you to
get in.
Fortunately, my brother
was 18 and therefore passed for an adult. In a classic awesome big brother
moment he got me in, and I watched my first R rated movie in the theatre. It
was awesome.
My brother also owned
the soundtrack to the movie, which I remember was a double album that folded
out majestically and where the Tarakian was many times the size of the puny
cover photo you see above. A Tarakian that size leaves an impression on a young
boy, I can tell you.
Knowing the album as a
kid, I still managed to resist it for many years as an adult. Then I finally
broke down about two years ago and bought a used copy on the cheap.
How It Stacks Up: I have 34 soundtracks, which I admit is a lot,
but who doesn’t like a soundtrack? It’s a “best of” record thematically
constructed around a movie plot. I expect the percentage of soundtracks in my
collection is far lower than the average.
Anyway, I’ve got 34 of them and “Heavy Metal” is not one of the better
ones. I’ll rank it…24th. I’d give you an updated list, but I’ve
still got one more to review.
Ratings: 2 stars
Warm and fuzzy childhood memories aside let’s
get real; “Heavy Metal” is an average record at best. It is a mix of songs I
already owned but am always glad to hear again, songs I simply had to have, and
songs that range from boring to atrocious. It is a grab bag of cheap jewelry at
a vintage fair, worth buying for the one or two pieces you really want, and as
for the rest – that’s what the ‘skip’ function is for.
On the CD Odyssey there is no skip function –
a full listen, monkey! With this in mind I have divided the album into the
three categories alluded to above. Note that I will not be commenting on all
songs, so consider the partial lists below a sort of musical synecdoche.
Category 1: Good Songs I Already
Had
Blue Oyster Cult’s “Veteran of the Psychic
Wars”: One of my favourite songs growing up as a kid, and a favourite still.
VotPW is off the classic 1981 album “Fire Of Unknown Origin” (reviewed back at
Disc 751). Of course, it is the WRONG song to anthologize from an album
that had a song titled “Heavy Metal: Black and Silver” and another – “Vengeance
(The Pact)” – which literally tells the story of the Tarakian in the
film (which admittedly would have made it only suitable for the end credits,
but still). “Veteran of the Psychic Wars” is co-written by fantasy
author Michael Moorcock and is about an entirely different fictional character,
Elric of Melnibone. But whatever, it is a killer song.
Black Sabbath’s “The Mob Rules”: Off of
the album of the same name (reviewed back at Disc 157), this song is a
killer metal track from the underrated second Sabbath record with Ronnie James
Dio on lead vocals.
Honourable mention: Journey’s “Open Arms”
(original album reviewed at Disc 212). The circumstances of this song’s appearance in
the film is one of the reasons it was rated R. I think it was a sex scene
between a cabbie and a damsel in distress, but I can’t be sure because Youtube
wants me to log in to confirm my age to check, and I won’t do it. I feel like
my brother already vouched for me back in 1981.
Category 2: Songs I Had to Have
Sammy Hagar’s “Heavy Metal”: Balls-out
rock and roll, without necessitating a full album full of music by Sammy Hagar.
Hagar has drenched this song in a laundry list of whatever he thought was cool
back in 1981. The list includes “head bangers in leather”, “sparks
fly in the middle of the night”, and “tight pants and lipstick”. It
sounds ridiculous but take my word for it; it all comes together. Don Felder
also has a song on the album called “Heavy Metal” which is pretty cool,
but there is nothing that competes with the phallic fury of the Hagar offering.
Riggs’ “Radar Rider”: A killer track with
a surging energy built for driving a car fast down a lonely highway. Or in the
case of the film, for an astronaut to drive his 1960 corvette convertible in
space. The song would be brilliant all on its own, but I won’t lie – the intergalactic
corvette helped.
Grand Funk Railroad’s “Queen Bee”: The
song is a classic early eighties anthem, full of majesty and vaguely creepy
attempts at romance (“I’m gonna steal you from your hive/steal you away from
every man alive…”. The song has a slow building bombast that seems so
natural you forgive it all its excess. The film version has neither bees nor
(thankfully) abductions but it does feature a naked Tarakian going for a swim
that was no doubt a second reason I needed adult accompaniment to see the movie.
Honourable mention to Devo’s brilliant cover
of Lee Dorsey’s “Working in a Coal Mine”. Like their cover of the Stones’
“Satisfaction” Devo takes a great song and makes it better.
Category 3 Dear God, No…:
Donald Fagan’s “True Companion”: Here
Fagan is without his erstwhile companion Walter Becker (they were on a break)
but just like a united Steely Dan, this song gargles balls, combining the
worst that prog noodling and Holiday Inn jazz lounges has to offer. Dicken’s
Fagin merely corrupts the morals of young children; Steely Dan’s Fagan makes
them listen to his music. I remain scarred.
Riggs’ “Heartbeat”: That’s right, dear
reader, not all Riggs’ offerings on the “Heavy Metal” soundtrack are
revelations in driving ecstasy. This one is all plodding guitars and
over-production with no substance. It feels like a Soulless Record Exec’s attempt to
manufacture “the sounds the kids are really into these days.” Not even a
joy-riding spaceman could have saved this one.
For good and for ill, this album represents
the most bombastic ridiculousness that hard rock had to offer in 1981. I always
put Heavy Metal on thinking it will be better than I remember it, but it never
is. However, it is still fun enough in places to earn a place on the hallowed
shelves of my collection.
Best tracks: Heavy Metal – Sammy Hagar, Devo – Working in a Coal
Mine, Blue Oyster Cult – Veteran of the Psychic Wars, Don Felder – Heavy Metal
(Takin’ A Ride), Riggs – Radar Rider, Grand Funk Railroad – Queen Bee, Black
Sabbath – the Mob Rules
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